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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/23182513">Heavy Guilt</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueberrykiss/pseuds/blueberrykiss'>blueberrykiss</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Narcos (TV)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst, F/M, Fluff, Spanish Speaking Reader, go crazy spanish speakers this ones for you, no smut only forehead kiss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-03-17</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-01 16:13:21</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Teen And Up Audiences</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>1,361</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/23182513</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/blueberrykiss/pseuds/blueberrykiss</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>"Javi had promised you that morning that he would come home while there was still light outside. He told you that with a smile on his face and a few bits of toast crumb in his mustache."</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Javier Peña/Original Female Character(s), Javier Peña/Reader</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>26</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>Heavy Guilt</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>For those of you that don't speak Spanish, I will post an English translation to this fic! It came to my attention that there was a lack of Spanish speaking Y/Ns and that needed to change! Enjoy!</p><p>Translator: @peachypascal on twitter 🤍</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>You watched the last bit of sunlight trail off the bed and retreat into the horizon. Usually you didn't mind the sunlight giving you a kiss goodbye, but tonight was a kiss filled with dread. </p><p>Javi had promised you that morning that he would come home while there was still light outside. He told you that with a smile on his face and a few bits of toast crumb in his mustache. </p><p>But here you were. Clutching a pillow against your chest, letting your worries wander through your mind. </p><p>On regular nights, he would come home when you were fast asleep. Sometimes he would wake you up with a gentle kiss on your forehead. </p><p>But tonight was different. </p><p>You tried to run the notion through your head that he was just running late. That he had gotten caught up in some unplanned paperwork. Hm. Yeah. Paperwork. That seemed to quiet your thoughts for a moment. </p><p>You trailed your fingers across the surface of the pillow in your arms. Thinking about how dangerous of a position he was in. About how every single morning, you gave him a kiss and fought the thought that it might be your last. </p><p>He's fine. </p><p>He will walk through that door any moment with a pair of tired eyes hanging above a relieved smile. </p><p>Maybe it wouldn't hurt to call the embassy. Yeah. You gently toss the pillow onto the bed and climb out of bed. </p><p>On the fridge, there's a coffee stained notecard with Javi's hasty writing. It has the embassy's number, Steve's, along with a few other miscellaneous numbers. </p><p>You feel pretty calm relaying the number into your phone. But that feeling immediately drains away once you hit the call button. </p><p>With every ring, your chest feels heavier. </p><p>You want to hope for the best. You really do. </p><p>You were being dramatic. You calm yourself down before the phone clicks and a tired voice echos in your ear. </p><p>"¿Hola?" </p><p>"Hola, buenas noches. Uhm,", your voice is drenched in dread. You hesitate for a moment to ask the question that might not have a light answer.  "Quisiera saber si puedes conectarme con el Agente Peña, ¿El está allí?" </p><p>"Sí, un momento señora" </p><p>The line clicks off and you are left with the sounds of Javi's A/C buzzing and your upstairs neighbors having their nightly fight. </p><p>" Muchísimas gracias por esperar, pero desgraciadamente la Agente Peña no está en la oficina ahorita." </p><p>"Vale, muchísimas gracias, buenas noches". The person started to ask another question, but you quickly hung up. </p><p>You quietly set your phone on the counter and let your brain run wild. He's not there. No paperwork. No forgetful Javi drowning in work. Just an empty desk. How long has he been gone, you wonder. </p><p>Should you call Steve? You weren't fond of the gringo, but he might be of some help. Maybe later. For now, you wanted to worry in peace. </p><p>Before you let your brain get too creative, the doorknob to the front entrance twists at the effort of Javi's keys. You let the floor absorb every worry right through your feet as you see him walk through the door. </p><p>"¿Qué tal, mi amor? You missed the sunlight just by a bit. Segura que vas a vencerlo próxima vez." You smiled brightly with relief. </p><p>He didn't look up at you. He just shrugged off his jacket and turned into the bedroom. Giving you a quick vocal acknowledgment to let you know he heard you. But beyond that, he had left you cold in the front room. </p><p>"Uhhh...Javi?" You feel the air in the apartment turn sour and thick. Your smile quickly dies down to a worried frown. You quietly walk towards the bedroom and stop under the doorframe. His body is facing you. Sitting on the bed, burying his face into his hands. </p><p>You quietly kneel in front of him and gently wrap your hands around his wrists. His warmth radiates into your hands as you softly pull them away from his face.</p><p>His eyes are worn down by the vigor of tears and his jacket sleeve wiping them away. His eye bags more pronounced and his skin hot red. </p><p>"Javi.", you say it quiet enough that he knows that you want only his ears to hear your comfort. </p><p>The edge of his lips start to quiver, but he quickly swallows the vulnerability. You let your gentle grip of his wrist go and slowly find their way to his tear stained cheeks. </p><p>"What's going on, cariño?" </p><p>The sounds of the street seep through the thin bedroom window and fill the empty space between the two of you.</p><p>Both of you are silent for a while. You pass the the time by running the pad of your thumb against his warm cheek. He takes one of your wrists into his weak grip and his teary-eyed gaze wanders back to you. </p><p>"I'm just—", he stops for a moment to collect his wavering voice. "I just feel so heavy." He pauses in fear of letting the tears collapse over his words. </p><p>"You feel heavy?" You pause to see if he responds with more. He doesn't. "Why do you feel heavy?" You don't drench your statements in anything but seriousness and comfort. You want him to know he's safe to be vulnerable. </p><p>"I'm tired of getting innocent—", his collected voice landslides back into a wavering watery mess. "innocent people killed." He drops his head slightly to avoid your eyes. </p><p>The pad of your thumb becomes wet with a few straggling tears. His face burning under your gentle touch. </p><p>"It's not your fault." He's still not looking at you. You take your hands off his face and use your bent finger to tilt his chin up. "Javi mírame, nada es culpa tuya."</p><p>"It is. It is. It is.", he quivers under his breath. "It's all my fault." He paused and let the small pattering noise of tears land in his lap fill the silence. </p><p>"This is all for nothing. Lives lost for nothing. We are shooting in the fucking dark." His breathing became jagged at the edges and his body trembled with everything he had been swallowing over the years. "No puedo más, eso me supera cada día. Ya no puedo respirar." </p><p>You quietly sighed and got back up on your feet. "Ven aquí." Standing over him, you stepped in between his legs and brought his head to rest against your stomach. He slowly wrapped his arms around you and rested his forehead on your soft stomach. </p><p>It was then that you felt him let go of everything. </p><p>His body shook at the mercy of his tears and his grip held a little bit tighter on your body. You watched him realize the comfort and safety you brought into his life. </p><p>--</p><p>After a long while of running your fingers through his hair and his tears finding its way to the cheap carpet. You spoke with a gentle certainty. "Siempre vas a ser mi mundo, Javi, y el trabajo qué haces es tan importante a mí . Estoy lista ya para ver mi país feliz otra vez. Lo sé que no puedes devolver a los muertos, pero puedes proteger los inocentes que temen por su vida cada día. Even with your fragile heart, mi alma." </p><p>He wasn't crying anymore. His forehead resting quietly on your stomach. A few sniffles to break the silence here and there. </p><p>You unclasped his arms on your back and gently placed your hands on the sides of his head. You angled it upward and bent down to place a comforting kiss on his forehead. </p><p>"Do you understand?" </p><p>He nodded silently. </p><p>"I love you." </p><p>You could feel his body quietly react. You had never told him that. Not yet. But it felt right. He let you watch his vulnerability pour out onto you. Now it was your turn. </p><p>His tired eyes locked onto you. His eye bags achingly red and a bit puffy. His skin blotchy and red. He looked so vulnerable. His lips parted but said nothing. He let out a weak chuckle and rubbed his eyes with his sleeve. </p><p>"I love you too."</p>
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